Category: Treatment

Combatting Fear as Radiation Treatment Begins

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My radiation treatment began Thursday, and with it came a good dose of anxiety.  I thought I was prepared.  My doctor told me what to expect.  I prayed and then carefully planned out the appointment day.  Everything should have been in order.  Yet, fear still lurked in the corners of my mind.

While cancer itself is scary, much of the fear comes from not knowing what to expect.  It’s fear of the unknown.  One minute the news is good, and the next it’s bad.  That’s been the roller coaster of our family’s life for the past two months. Only one thing is certain; you can expect the unexpected to happen.  With radiation comes hope of eradicating this disease in me.  But the thought of cooking my cells to oblivion brought even more fear.

Driving one hour to the hospital gives me time to think, too much time.  My mind races with worst case scenarios.  I imagine burns, claustorphobia, nause, or stray radiation hitting vital organs.

Soon, I discovered most of those fears are not realized.  Longterm effects, definitely do exist (scarring, severe “sunburn” on skin, fragile ribs, sarcomas from the radiation, etc.)  But these risks and outcomes don’t outweigh the risk of this particular sarcoma returning.  The experience was not pleasant, but so far it has not been bad.  The team of doctors, nurses, and technicians did everything possible to make the me comfortable.  So far with two treatments down, the radiation hasn’t been painful.  Nothing terrible happened; no more bad news was delivered.  Yet, I lived as though the worst would happen.  Fear ruled me.

Cancer has taught me how precious each moment is.  None of us knows what tomorrow holds.  Worrying over something we can’t control does no good.  Often many our worries are not even realized.

While I thought I was prepared, I wasn’t –not spiritually.  For previous appointments, I not only prayed but also memorized Bible verses to comfort me.  This time, I hadn’t memorized a verse.  I walked into day one of radiation armed only with fear.  Life got busy, I prayed but didn’t keep God’s word at the forefront of my thoughts.  Instead of my mind focusing on God, I focused on fear.

Some may wonder how memorizing a Bible verse can combat anxiety or fear.  For me, it was the equivalent of my Heavenly Father whispering into my ear that He would see me through this.  Prayer is my side of the conversation.  Scripture is Him speaking back to me.  Memorizing scripture imprints His words on my heart so I can carry it with me always.  Although I do believe He also reveals Himself in other ways, I’m certain that I am getting His direction, correction, and comfort when I rely on the Bible.  God tells us not to fear at least 80 times in the Bible.  Rely on Him.  Jesus warns us, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day [moment] has enough trouble of its own.”  (Matthew 6:34)

Here are a few of my favorite shorter verses on fear.  These have been a great comfort to me.

I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears. Psalm 34:4

Don’t fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine.  Isaiah 43:1

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  Timothy 1:7

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” Romans 8:15

Many of these verses have kept my thoughts on Him.  I think on his power, love, and his promise to all who believe and trust in him.  And, we only need a mustard seed of faith to begin believing.  God meets us where we are. We only need to ask.

How do you connect with God during difficult times?  How do you keep him as your focus instead of the fear?

Other Bible verses that have helped me combat fear are many of the Psalms and Matthew 6:25-34. 

Here is a link to a song by Jason Gray about how useless it is to worry.  There is also a video where he talks about the meaning of the song.   Behind the Song: Jason Gray

 

Prayers and a Plan for Treatment

Two months and many prayers after learning a mass on my ribs was likely cancerous, I’m ready for phase two of the treatment which hopefully results in a cancer-free body.  In phase one, the doctors surgically remove the tumor along with a small but noticeable chunk of my rib cage.  It’s a painful surgery, but thankfully God grants us the grace to get through difficult things.  A successful surgery impacts the outcome in a big way.  My surgery appears successful.  (A skilled surgeon removed the tumor with good margins, but some cancer cells were found on one rib — also removed.)  However, my treatment isn’t complete.  As one of my oncologists says, “Sarcomas are not well-behaved.”  (Oh, the impudence of these nasty things!)

Choosing the right treatment boils down to numbers and predicting outcomes: What are the odds of cancer returning with or without this procedure?  And what damage does that procedure do to the patient?  Surgery alone offers a 30% chance of the spindle cell sarcoma returning locally (original site).  Then there is another number to consider, sketchier and harder to pin down:  What is the chance it will show up somewhere else, referred to as metastasizing?  The chance of it metastasizing is lower than the 30%, but it does happen.  Praying, praying, and praying that this doesn’t happen.  However, opportunities to metastasize should drop even more if the cancer cells are removed from the original site.  (This assumes that cancer cells have not already escaped from original site and gone to distant places.)   So begins the next part of my journey – radiation.

Radiation begins on Thursday of this week.  My radiation is designed to kill cancer cells at the site of treatment.  The treatment site includes the surgical and nearby areas.  As of now, I’m scheduled for 33 daily treatments. I do get a reprieve on weekends and holidays.  Hooray for that!  I’ve already had scans that pinpoint the areas being radiated.  With the guidance of a physicist and my radiation oncologist, the radiation team shoots radiation into my lower chest area.  They try to limit the exposure to surrounding areas, but a small dose of radiation does hit my lungs and other nearby areas.  I’m thinking my liver is likely to get some stray doses because of the proximity to the tumor site.

While radiation is a bit scary, it seems much easier to deal with than chemotherapy.  I’ve prayed that chemo wouldn’t be necessary, or that I would be strong enough to get through it if it was necessary.  I am so thankful that God did save me from chemo, at least for now.

The radiation oncologist has given me some idea of what to expect.  At the beginning of my radiation treatments, I won’t notice much.  As we get further into the treatments and the radiation builds up in my body, fatigue becomes more and more pronounced.  A bad sunburn develops at the site.  The damaged skin becomes very sensitive.  I can’t wear any restrictive clothing or undergarments.  Basically, I don’t want anything to touch that area.  So, I have been searching my closet for loose non-irritating fabric that I can wear for the next seven to eight weeks.

Tomorrow, I surrender myself to a group of really smart people who will shoot a toxicity into my body.  (Radiation can also cause sarcomas.)  The irony of this isn’t lost on me.  To kill the cancer, the really smart people kill the cells near the tumor site, healthy and unhealthy ones.  Yet, this cancer-causing radiation offers me the best chance of survival.  And, I’m grateful for these really smart people who seem to know what they’re doing.

Once again, I’m cautiously optimistic.  Neither doctors, specialists, nor statistics can truly predict the outcome, only make an educated guess.  None of us knows what tomorrow holds.  So, once again I am going to put all my fear and uncertainty into God’s hands; only He has control.  He has been good to me and gotten me this far.  It’s been amazing how He’s helped through each difficulty.  But do you know the most beautiful part of this realization?  He is willing to do that for all of us.  We just need to ask.

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.  1 Peter 5:7